- calendar_month May 8, 2023
How home shoppers feel, why they feel it and what they can do about it.
• MAY 02 2023
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Quick links:
- What makes buying a home so stressful and emotional?
- The emotional stages of buying a home
- How to prepare for the stress of buying a house
Looking for a home — and eventually buying a home — can be a roller coaster, filled with ups and downs. It’s one of the biggest decisions you can make, and while at times, you’ll feel elated, moments later, you might find yourself feeling completely crushed. And while it’s hard to anticipate exactly how you’ll feel every step of the way, experts have a good idea of what you might experience when you embark on this important journey. “While life is filled with uncertainty, the home buying process requires acceptance of the unknown,” said Amanda Sacks, a clinical therapist who supports adults who struggle with anxiety and are navigating times of transition.
We spoke to mental health experts who understand how buyers can prepare for what can be a marathon process. They gave us 13 emotions to expect, and ways to cope.
What makes buying a home so stressful and emotional?
Buying a home can invite pressure from every direction, from real estate market conditions, to the loan approval process, to the big move itself.
“Buying a home taps into all parts of our mind: our basic need for shelter, and our attachment needs for a safe place to connect with ourselves and others,” says Christina Koepp, a licensed mental health counselor at Wellspring Family Services. “To take the risk and make an offer on a home, we need to be willing to attach to a new place to live, and — simultaneously — hold it loosely enough that it won’t be devastating to lose the bid. It’s a narrow path of guarded optimism.”
The emotional stages of buying a home
So many feelings come up during the home buying process, and it’s important to know that you’re not alone. While the emotions will likely come in waves and won’t be the same for everyone, we broke down some of the potential feelings you might experience along the way.
1. Uncertain: Deciding whether or not you’re ready
Buying a house is a big decision, and you might feel confused and indecisive as you assess your current financial situation and try to work through whether or not the timing is right. Making big life choices might come with some self-doubt, but crunching the numbers and thinking about what you want your life to look like will help guide you down the right path.
Home buyers can grow their confidence by familiarizing themselves with all of the steps that are involved with the home buying process, while remaining open-minded. “Understand that this process IS going to be emotional and things often don’t go as planned,” licensed clinical social worker and anxiety coach Carrie Howard said. “It’s important to do your homework, plan, and be as educated about the home buying process as you can, but also remember to be flexible when things happen that are out of your control or unexpected.”
2. Apprehensive: Preparing to talk to an agent or loan officer
Talking about finances can be a very personal thing. Dealing with the challenge of opening up and being vulnerable about your financial situation and lifestyle isn’t easy. Because of this, you might feel apprehensive when it comes time to dive into this part of the process, and that’s totally normal. You might be wondering how to prepare and how to approach your first conversation with an agent, and this is a great resource.
3. Eager: Searching for your new home
Searching for a new home can be a fun and exciting process filled with lots of options and opportunities to explore what you like and what you don’t. “While gathering ideas and looking online you might experience optimism, amazement and awe,” said Sacks. “If your home search journey is lasting longer than expected or if you’re feeling bummed by houses being quickly swept off the market, set aside time each week to look at the bigger picture of not only your home search but also your personal priorities,” she suggested.
4. Drained: Your 10th open house visit
The homebuying process definitely comes with its obstacles and hurdles, and visiting tons of open houses and taking private tours to find that perfect fit can get exhausting. “As you start to visit homes you might feel amazed, optimistic, nervous or disappointed,” Sacks said, pointing to a wide range of feelings. This is an important time to be wary of burnout and mindfully set aside time for physical activity and doing things that make you feel good outside of the home search.
“I usually try to tell people to pace themselves on open houses and showings in general,” Michael Hills, Vice President of Brokerage at Atlas Real Estate, said. “Sometimes folks get ‘showing fatigue’ which can lead to discouragement in the process,” he added.
This is where Zillow’s app and 3D Home® tours come in. Instead of wearing yourself out at in-person open houses, you can use technology that will help you narrow down your search and focus on seeing only the most important homes in person.
5. Joyous: Finding “the one”
“Finding your dream home is the most rewarding part of the home buying process,” Sacks said. When you think you’ve found “the one,” you’ll probably feel a wide range of emotions from excited to nervous and anxious. Even if the home you landed on feels perfect for you, you might find yourself questioning whether or not it’s the right fit, and that’s completely normal. “The feelings that arise during your home buying process might be fleeting or they might last for a long time,” Sacks said. It’s rare for a home to check every single box on your list, but try to have faith in the process. Don’t forget to take some time to soak in the joy of finding the perfect place for you.
6. Disappointed: Losing the offer
If you lost the offer on the house you fell head over heels for, you’re going to feel disappointed, sad and angry. It’s normal to feel hopeless and want to give up on the process completely at this stage, but unfortunately, losing an offer is a common part of the homebuying and searching journey. Give yourself time to process the disappointment, and then do your best to put your best foot forward and move on with confidence and conviction.
When it comes to bouncing back, Koepp says it’s important to honor the deep disappointment that can result from a lost opportunity you felt invested in. “Take a few hours or even a couple days to acknowledge that experience, and know it will fade,” she said. Next, find a way to feel gratitude. This may help counter the propensity to dwell solely on what was lost.
It’s important to learn from each loss, too. “In my experience, each bid process is unique and comes with its own challenges and insights,” says Koepp. “Again, note what you were surprised by and integrate it into your process for future bids.”
7. Elated: Getting your offer accepted
You put an offer on a house you’re in love with and it got accepted. Congratulations! You’re on top of the world, and you’re likely feeling elated, proud and relieved. You can take a deep breath. Once the elation wears off, you might feel a little bit of anticipatory anxiety for what’s next, but that’s completely normal. Just make sure you give yourself time to process the excitement.
8. Fearful: The inspection and negotiations
When it’s time for the house inspection, you might feel defensive, fearful and worried. Maybe you’re wondering if you missed any red flags or asking yourself if something unexpected is going to pop up in the process. Perhaps you’re second guessing your decision or overthinking the whole experience altogether.
“Anxiety disconnects you from your intuition and can also steal the joy out of the experience of home-buying,” licensed clinical mental health counselor Mary Beth Somich said. “Thus, you may second guess a home, even if it checks all of your boxes, simply because anxiety is in the way.” Try to breathe through this uncomfortable feeling and rely on your support system to remind you how fabulous your new home is. You’re capable of jumping through any hoops and hurdles that get in your way.
9. Anxious: The closing process
As you’re waiting for your mortgage to close, you might feel anxious, fearful and worried. Maybe you’re experiencing a nagging feeling that makes you feel like you’ve forgotten something — and that’s completely understandable and normal. The mortgage process can take weeks and involve a lot of paperwork, which can be all the more grueling if your dream home is waiting. Try to distract yourself with acts of self-care and things that make you happy during this step in the process. Worrying won’t magically speed up the process.
10. Proud: Getting the keys to your new house
It’s time to get the keys to your new home! The world — and the house you get to call yours — is your oyster, and you’re probably feeling like a million bucks. Of course, elation, pride and the feeling of accomplishment often comes with feeling overwhelmed. Remember to take care of yourself during this process, and don’t forget to pause during your busy moving schedule and remind yourself how exciting this is. You got through the most difficult parts of the homebuying adventure, and now you get to make your home feel like your own.
11, 12 & 13. Overwhelmed, Elated and Relieved: Settling into your home
While settling into your new home is undoubtedly very exciting, you also might be feeling imposter syndrome, buyer’s remorse and exhaustion as you find yourself thinking about the future and navigating this new environment and massive life transition. Staying organized will be immensely helpful during this step in the process, and try to give yourself little moments to celebrate and feel proud amidst the chaos.
How to prepare for the stress of buying a house
“If you ‘fall in love’ with every home you see, it leaves little room for discerning which is the best fit,” Koepp says. “And you can quickly become emotionally fatigued with each lost bid or opportunity.”
Instead, it can be helpful to think of your home buying journey as a balancing act between vulnerability and healthy detachment. In other words, try to be “vulnerable enough to imagine your life in this potential new place,” says Koepp, while simultaneously employing “the very healthy protective impulse of avoiding getting attached too fully and too quickly.”
Some more tips:
Think about your hopes and preferences in general terms
With each new home, ask yourself how you’ll feel if you don’t get it, says Koepp. When you encounter a loss, talk about it with someone. Discuss what excited you about the home, then carry that forward in your search. In short, keep an open mind as you search for your dream home.
Avoid all-or-nothing thinking by considering your preferences in a general sense — an updated home, an architectural style, a set of neighborhood characteristics, etcetera. This can remind you that there’s more than one place to find joy and contentment.
Identify your non-negotiables as clearly as possible
The way to balance being general with your wants is to be as clear as possible with your deal-breakers. “Know before you look if you’re really only open to a condo with three or more bedrooms, or a house with a garage,” says Koepp. “It’s easy to be swept up in a home that may have some dream elements, even though it has deal-breaker issues.”
Above all, Koepp says, offer yourself the grace that this won’t always be a neat and tidy process. “You get to be human in the midst of it.”
Find the right agent to help you cope with the stress of buying a house
Your agent is your guide through an often complicated journey. Make sure they provide peace of mind and not the opposite. If your agent is doing something that makes you uncomfortable, communicate it to them. Further, clearly articulating your wants, preferences and non-negotiables to your agent will help ensure everyone is on the same page. This can ease your mind and allow you to focus on what’s important. If it’s still just not a fit, consider looking for a new agent.
Manage your expectations
“Prepare for a marathon, even if it’s just a sprint,” says Koepp. You don’t know how long it will take to have an offer accepted. “It could be a couple homes you offer on; it could be 12.” Keeping your expectations flexible helps avoid disappointment.
In addition, “homebuyers can anticipate that they will feel increased levels of stress and anxiety due to the big life decision that they are making,” licensed family and marriage therapist Summer Forlenza said. She recommends planning ahead for this anxiety. “Consider delaying other big life decisions until after the home buying process is complete,” she added. It can be exhausting, so make sure you’re taking time to prioritize other aspects of your life and your mental health.
Extend kindness to yourself
Koepp says this part can be challenging for some people. “It can be easy to doubt your judgment, become angry with your home-buying partner, or get obsessed with searching,” she says. “All these responses are understandable! Being kind means finding ways to rest, recharge and integrate each step along the way.”
A few things to try: Take a short break from scrolling through listings to recenter yourself, prepare a comforting meal after a lost opportunity, or be intentional about regularly getting to bed earlier, if you can.
Talk about your home buying stress with someone you trust
It’s helpful for many people to simply “say out loud what’s rolling around in their mind,” says Koepp. “Some prefer to journal. Use whatever works for you; try to share the challenges, insights, dreams and goals that you’re noticing. Reach out often to loved ones to keep your awareness, energy, and perspective in line with your goals and hopes.” This will help you process as you go.
Remember, these tips are intended as general advice. If you have specific concerns, are struggling or need help, contact a licensed mental health professional.
A good agent can help you through this journey. Find information and reviews for local Zillow Premier Agent partners who can walk you through the buying process and help you find the right home. Then learn more about financing options and get a better understanding of your total monthly expenses using the tools on My Website.
